If nightmare flatmates were as easy to deal with as cockroaches, life would be less complicated.

While human beings are capable of behaving like total idiots, we are, generally intelligent species - we think and we perceive.  We think about ourselves in relation to others, we perceive how they feel about us.  Yet, for apparently ‘social animals’ we all too often fail to communicate mutual feeling.  The first rule of living successfully with someone is to build transparency into a relationship, and this is where many don’t succeed.  In the nightmare flatmate scenario very little is clear and nothing is certain, except the others perceived intransigence and selfishness

The easiest solution is to move out, or rather, it isn’t as one then has to find others to live with.  This is usually a longer than expected process and in the meantime one might find oneself under Waterloo Bridge.  Nor is going to the Police an option, regardless of how strongly one feels.  Moreover, if one believes in the apocalyptic vision of London propagated by the Daily Mail, they are too busy, and while the Fire Brigade might come to the rescue of a stranded household pet they won’t do the same for an entrapped housemate.  So what to do?

Communicate. Sometimes its hard to say how one feels, words stick in collective throats the world over, so sit down with your nightmare flatmate and write down each others good points (for chrissakes try and find some) and bad.  As a result it might be easier to sort out differences and air feelings.  If this approach seems a little brazen, why not try the subtle way?  Chances are a nightmare flatmate wants to be rid of you as much as you want to be rid of him or her.  Leave the property supplement of the newspaper around, open on the rentals page, or alluring colour photo’s of exotic travel destinations in the hope of tempting them away on a journey to find themselves - in the mean time you can quit, making a sensible excuse (family bereavement) or cling to the hope they return less of a nuisance.

Grinning painfully and bearing it, hanging on in quiet desperation, secretly praying for the day they leave might be the English way but that doesn’t make it any good.  Nor will the middle ground - regular displays of general petulance - solve anything.  Pro-activity is best.  If you’re flatmate is nice but dirty, clean up in his or her presence and pass ’em a towel saying ‘do as I do’ and further down the line they might ‘do as you say’.  If your flatmate is grumpy, ask them out on an evening with friends, get them lamp-shaded and they might turn into a different person - not that I condone or encourage alcoholism bi-proxy as a solution.  If your flatmate is lazy, don’t act too energetic around them, pay attention to the idiot box, allow the sofa to swallow you and lo and behold he or she might get up and do something, even if it is only to make a cup of tea - it could lead whoknowswhere.  If your flatmate is hyperactive make sure you exercise them regularly, invest one of those tennis ball throwing devices and a poop-a-scoop.  If your flatmate is smelly, buy a bigger washing machine, if they have nits, put them in the freezer and the little pests will die, if…if they are anything else, to borrow from Spike Milligan, put them in the curry.

Lastly, whatever you or one does, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

Will Parkes 20/5/2009